A few days have passed.

Now that a few days have past--I had my day of shock, day of wallowing and then a day of just plain crankiness. Today I am again at a place I have come back to again and again. It is what it is.

Ironically, it was this exact time last year, August 2007, I questioned my doctors why they did not take my leg then and there way back in March. I was in so much pain and agony I just wanted it over. I was frustrated even more to think that if the leg was taken off back in March--I surely would be up and walk and thus moving on. So, the worse case scenario isn't the worst case scenario--at least not in my mind at this point in time. Grant it I may be totally misguided and some what delusional but the thought of being one legged does not scare me as much as it did.

I do truly trust Dr. T and believe that amputation is the absolute last thing we do because Dr. T has mentioned numerous times a couple of different approaches to be taken if I am unable to grow the bone to fill in the fractures. Nevertheless, if amputation is the only solution I am able to find aspects of a prosthetic leg that could be considered "positive." As I told Mari, my sister, if I do have to go to the prosthetic leg route I will have a brand new leg. It will be perfect and look great--no scars or large divot where the docs removed the infected bone, muscle, tendons etc. And I there is no shaving of a fake leg--no more cuts with unending bleeding. I will just insist that I have toes to paint--I love painted toenails. So, we will pray. We will wait. And take what happens as it is and celebrate the new after.

Not so good news.

I believe I have not done the "Why me?" thing since the whole leg saga began. However, I might be slipping into it. I found out yesterday that my bone has grown into a solid mass but that mass is not large and only 1/3 of what needs to be filled in. I go back in six weeks and if there is little to no change we need to look at other options. Needless to say I am frustrated as all hell! So frustrated that there are no tears left to shed. Part of me doesn't want to wait six weeks to find out this has not worked--let's decide now what needs to be done. If things haven't improved a lot in six weeks Dr. T want to send me down to see another trauma specialist. A large part of me is asking, "Why wait?" Another part of me is terrified about what that doctor might say; i.e. "the leg is not salvageable any more" All of this information just makes me want to do nothing--not get out of bed, not get dressed--just sit at my computer and play solitaire. Questions like, What does it matter what happens now? I have already lost two years of my life--isn't it enough already? Just get it done and over with and let me learn how to get along again. Can you can paint the toe nails on a prosthetic leg/foot?