Good News--and yes I am wearing pants

Despite having to stay in the hospital for SIX WHOLE DAYS I returned home safe and sound where I proceeded to sleep the rest of the week away. Sadly, it was only an issue of paperwork that kept me in two more days than needed.

Bless my mother's heart but she isn't the greatest of cooks (she hates it and fully admits she isn't proficient but she is the one that did keep the family alive). After the third day of hospital food mom's cooking looked really good! Which I suppose is both a good and bad point all in one. :)

There were a couple of reasons why I was so overly the top exhausted. The surgery was suppose to last two to three hours, four hours at the top. My surgery lasted an unusual six hours. Turns out that while I can't seem to fill in bone at my fracture sites I sure can grow bone to fill in the space left empty by the half pins I have had changed around. I have had to have quite a few half pin revisions--one, two or all the half pins at every surgery since the Taylor Spacial Frame (TSF) was attached. I have had 7 surgeries with the TSF attached. Where each half pin that was taken out quickly and efficiently filled in with good hard bone. So, when the docs went to clear out the center cavity of my tibia the Medullary Cavity, they kept running into road blocks. Because of how dense this bone was the medical team went through three drills and every single bit in the hospital until Dr. T remembered a rather archaic procedure using some special but old tool. People were sent down into the hospital's basement to look for this tool--lucky for me the hospital never gets rid of any type of medical tool--no matter how outdated. So, I had a really long surgery and the medications used to keep me under make me feel awful but to make maters worse I unfortunately lost a lot of blood. The good news is that blood transfusions are really safe nowadays and especially safe in the state of Washington! In fact if you have to have a blood transfusion Washington state is the safest place to have one done.

So for the next six weeks I am to be completely non-weight bearing (*big huge sigh*). The up side is that everyone is a lot safer with me using the walker than a set of crutches and I will beef up those arm muscles a bit too. The other good news is that the old TSF is off and now an Izzie frame or more formally known as an Ilizarov external fixation device. I can wear my velvet pants now--yippee! The rod that Medullary Cavity is just a wire encased in anti-biotic infused cement. The wire is a delivery system and stability not weight bearing which is why the walker and I are once again pared. So, if all goes well the anti-biotic rod is at this very moment whipping out all the big bad bugs that are preventing my bone from healing. Who knows I may be waking before 2009--what a Christmas gift that would be!

"God Willing"

Have you ever come across a plaque that says,

"Good Morning! This is God.

I will be handling all of your problems today.

I do not need your help.

So have a good day!"

I was reminded of that statement/quote/saying by the following UCC's Stillspeaking Daily Devotional Newsletter. Every morning I get a devotional. These quick little reads are more than insightful and even personal! Interesting how this edition is on the same day of my surgery. Yet again I am humbled and reminded that it is in God's hands and God Willing this surgery will work. If not there is another path, journey and/or plan for me. The ever "event/gift/package seeking peek-er" in me wants to know NOW the answer to "What has God got up God's sleeves for me?". So, God it is in your plans & I trust you will see me safely to where I need to go. So, without ado here is the devotional for 9/25/08.

Home: i.UCC Community: Newsletter
Thursday, September 25, 2008 What Tomorrow Will Bring
Bible Excerpt from James 4:11-16


You who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a town and spend a year there, doing business and making money." Yet you do not even know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If the Lord wishes, we will live and do this or that."

Reflection by Anthony B. Robinson

I've just moved to Toronto for the year to, as James puts it, "do business and make money." Not much money as I am teaching at a seminary. I am trying to imagine how people might have heard it if every time in recent months that I had talked about these plans and changes, I had said, "If the Lord wills it," or "God willing," or "It's really in God's hands." I suspect I would have felt a little showy, overly pious, and maybe phony. Moreover, I imagine that a fair number of those with whom I spoke would have thought the same--that is, if they weren't wondering if I were in need of a psychiatric evaluation! We tend to think we're in charge, in control.

But however odd it may sound in the ears of a secular age, James strikes me as closer to the truth. Our illusions of control are just that: illusions. Maybe it's the people who think they are in charge of life that need the psychiatric evaluation or attitude adjustment? And life has a way of giving us those little evaluations, those attitude adjustments. Which is not to say that we shouldn't make plans or have our projects. We do and we should. And yet we don't, can't, know what tomorrow will bring. The only thing we can know for sure is that God's grace will uphold us, God's wisdom will guide us, and God's peace shall keep us. And knowing that is enough.

Prayer
When you challenge my foolish idea that I am in charge, when you send your attitude adjustments, grant me grace to receive them graciously and learn that you are God, not me. Amen.

About the Author:
Anthony B. Robinson, UCC pastor, speaker and author, teaches leadership at Emmanuel College at the University of Toronto. His newest book is Changing the Conversation: A Third Way for Congregations.



The Stillspeaking Daily Devotional is a free service and is supported by your gifts to Our Church's Wider Mission. Scripture quotations are from New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America, adapted. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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Happy Birthday taller little sister. It did not bother me when I turned 30. Yet having my sister turn 30 bothers me. I suppose that while she was in her 20s I still had my foot in the proverbial door of young adult. Now we both have to be grown-up.

"Na-na-na hey, hey, hey good-bye na-na-na....."

As it is the eve of my life with out my TSF (Taylor-Spacial-Frame) I thought I would be more excited but instead my dang ankle hurts. In honor of the fateful event I have taken some "before" pictures to remind one and all, "Don't wear flip-flops!" That or to advertise that I am into really weird piercings. Whatever else happens this whole process, though uncompleted, will have left etchings across my life and especially on my heart. I know it sounds cheesy but it is as if I am hearing, "DON'T WAIST ANY MOMENT!" on a loud speaker--from my own life struggles to the struggles I have, I do and what I will witness in others. So without further ado please take a moment to look at the before pictures.

Pictures taken 9/23/08

A post for a hoot!

Gertrude Mavis, AKA: Gertie Mae, Gertie Girl, Mae-Mae 9/22/08

Gus: "I am smelling something & I think it is in your pocket?" 9/22/08

Gertie Mae: "You may think I am asleep but I've got my eye on you!" 9/22/08

Gustophalis-Agustus AKA: Gus, Gus-Gus, Pooter 9/22/08

Plan B

So, we are onto Plan B. Which is a series of surgeries. To my relief I finally have a date and time for the first of the two surgeries. The fist surgery will be on September 25th at 1pm. This surgery will involve putting a nail/wire wrapped in cement (the kind used in hip replacements) that is then impregnated w/antibiotics. This nail will go through the main shaft of the bone, Medullary cavity to be exact, so that the antibiotics will leach out from the center killing off any thing and every thing that is not healthy to the bone. I am thrilled to report that I get to go off all anti-biotic medication for 5 days prior to surgery. This is in hopes I "grow" something and when they take cultures from the bone the doctors will know exactly what to hit it with. In any case I am very excited to be off the "leash" of the anti-biotics. The bummer of the deal is that the nail is not made to be weight bearing so I will be off my right leg for three whole weeks. On the up side is that I will not be lugging all the weight of the Taylor-Spacial-Frame. It will be removed an an Izzie frame will be holding my leg in line--a couple of half pins at my knee and ankle with a bar connecting the two.

The second of the two surgeries is a lot simpler. It is very basic infact, just taking all the hardware put in the 1st surgery and then putting a rod/nail that is permanet. The permanet device will actually be quite similar to the original rod/nail put into me in Mexico--can you get more ironic than that? I suppose I will be non-weight bearing for a few weeks but after that I am with surgery. I won't be a runner but I have yet to meet a chesty gal who is so no tears lost there.

A few days have passed.

Now that a few days have past--I had my day of shock, day of wallowing and then a day of just plain crankiness. Today I am again at a place I have come back to again and again. It is what it is.

Ironically, it was this exact time last year, August 2007, I questioned my doctors why they did not take my leg then and there way back in March. I was in so much pain and agony I just wanted it over. I was frustrated even more to think that if the leg was taken off back in March--I surely would be up and walk and thus moving on. So, the worse case scenario isn't the worst case scenario--at least not in my mind at this point in time. Grant it I may be totally misguided and some what delusional but the thought of being one legged does not scare me as much as it did.

I do truly trust Dr. T and believe that amputation is the absolute last thing we do because Dr. T has mentioned numerous times a couple of different approaches to be taken if I am unable to grow the bone to fill in the fractures. Nevertheless, if amputation is the only solution I am able to find aspects of a prosthetic leg that could be considered "positive." As I told Mari, my sister, if I do have to go to the prosthetic leg route I will have a brand new leg. It will be perfect and look great--no scars or large divot where the docs removed the infected bone, muscle, tendons etc. And I there is no shaving of a fake leg--no more cuts with unending bleeding. I will just insist that I have toes to paint--I love painted toenails. So, we will pray. We will wait. And take what happens as it is and celebrate the new after.

Not so good news.

I believe I have not done the "Why me?" thing since the whole leg saga began. However, I might be slipping into it. I found out yesterday that my bone has grown into a solid mass but that mass is not large and only 1/3 of what needs to be filled in. I go back in six weeks and if there is little to no change we need to look at other options. Needless to say I am frustrated as all hell! So frustrated that there are no tears left to shed. Part of me doesn't want to wait six weeks to find out this has not worked--let's decide now what needs to be done. If things haven't improved a lot in six weeks Dr. T want to send me down to see another trauma specialist. A large part of me is asking, "Why wait?" Another part of me is terrified about what that doctor might say; i.e. "the leg is not salvageable any more" All of this information just makes me want to do nothing--not get out of bed, not get dressed--just sit at my computer and play solitaire. Questions like, What does it matter what happens now? I have already lost two years of my life--isn't it enough already? Just get it done and over with and let me learn how to get along again. Can you can paint the toe nails on a prosthetic leg/foot?